Letters
by bluemoonbabe
Summary: A series of letters sent while Julian is in Pentonville. Julexis
1. Chapter 1

Letters

i

Alexis knew that Julian was in prison; the image of him rotting in a jail cell was haunting her in the night. She would awake abruptly to the feeling of the dullest dagger being dug into her heart, viciously torturing her. Julian. The name was haunting her when she was awake and when she was sleeping. There never was a time when she could truly distract herself fully from her thoughts of Julian. Now that he was in prison, it was even worse. She had seen him in the PCPD jail cell often enough, and the sight had become a regularity to her—but, she never grew accustomed to it. Every time she saw him handcuffed, every time she saw him behind prison bars, it would only hurt her more. She felt like she had been mauled by a bear, clawed raw, her bleeding heart completely exposed. Julian was in Pentonville, and though even at night she yearned to see him, visit him—she knew that she shouldn't, that she couldn't. Her heart wouldn't survive the sight.

She was running out of coping methods. Completely lost on this particular night, she switched on a lamp and began writing. She wrote to Julian, tears drops decorating the paper. Her hand writing is neater than usual; she finds herself unbearably capable on focusing at only one thing, the easiest thing she dared to say that she could focus on—Julian.

Julian,

I don't know where to begin. Between all the love in my heart and all of my heartache, I think I've lost myself. I'm so hurt by the fact that you're in the mob, and that you're behind bars for God knows how long… Even though I had crawled out of our relationship, I had been comforted in a way knowing that you would still be able to see our daughter and grandson. That I would see you in passing sometimes; maybe I'd even catch your laugh or smile.

I miss you, your arms wrapped around me, your deep, sultry voice whispering sweet words into my ear after we made love… I miss what we had developed, that intimate connection. I crave it at night when I'm alone; I even crave it when I'm surrounded by those I love or engulfed by a crowd. I feel empty without you here with me. But there are many things that I don't miss. I don't miss the pain that you had caused me by lying to me, the pain caused by finding out that yet again I had been duped. I don't miss the fear that my family may one day become casualties to the business because of my involvement with a mobster.

But, oh, despite this, sometimes I wish that I had believed you a little longer, taken your lies as the truth just a little longer so that I could have been suffocated by your loving embrace. I could have died in those arms of yours happily… We could have lived a great fantasy together, but we both know all too well that those things never last.

And now that you're locked up in prison and I'm here with nothing but memories, all we have is to think. There are so many could-have-beens that don't escape my mind, but I think so much of the could-bes too. I hope that while you're locked up, you have plenty of time to think about the future, and what it holds for you. I'm not going to tell you what to think, or remind you of what I want. You have to figure out all that on your own… And do me a favor—come out of prison alive.

Alexis

Alexis stumbled through the Pentonville hallways, her legs carrying her of their own accord. She carted the letter with her, carefully stowed away in her purse. There was something oddly comforting about knowing that Julian would read her letter. She knew that she couldn't see him in that prison uniform, that she couldn't bear the sight of him as an inmate. But this way, she would have a connection. She didn't know if he would ever write back, but she damned well might as try to give him even a sliver of hope—a reason to come out a better man.

A/N: I know, I'm crazy for juggling so many fanfics at once. How many am I writing at once now? 4 fanfics? I will update this often, or at least I hope that I will. I intend on the bulk of this being letters, with some of the characters' thoughts and maybe a smidgen of character interaction. I think maybe this will help with the Julexis drought to come. Hopefully.

Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

ii

Julian sat dumbfounded in his jail cell. He stared at the piece of paper in his hand, which was thoroughly stained by tears—a fitting decoration. He vividly remembered the moment that the guard had showed up in front of the black bars which contained him, knocking on them lightly to gain his intention. "Jerome," he spat, and he slid his hand between the bars, flashing the envelope at him. Julian sat up reluctantly and took the envelope into his hands, his heart jumping at the very thought that it might have been sent by Alexis.

He read the letter over and over, perhaps ten times by now, and he still couldn't grasp the meaning of it. Was Alexis reaching out to him now, after all of their heartbreak? Perhaps she pitied him, now that he was behind bars, and sent the letter out of that very pity… Or (how could he even dare to think it?), she sent the letter to him because she had chosen to stop ignoring her feelings, and that she had recognized and accepted her love for him. He was being a fool, he knew, but love made him a fool, and so be it.

The next day he had asked the very same prison guard for paper and a pen, so he could write back. At first the guard had refused, saying that Julian could use the pen as a weapon very easily. But Julian begged, he pleaded, all too willing to lose his dignity over something as simple as writing a letter back to Alexis. He told the guard that he had a family, two children and a grandchild, not to mention a woman he cared very deeply for. They were the only good things in his life, he had uttered with teary eyes. He only wanted the opportunity to communicate with them in some way, because he would never, not even for one moment, let them see him in prison garb, rotting away in a prison. After careful consideration, the prison guard finally gave in (Julian's sob story had touched him), and he allowed Julian permission to write letters, but only under strict supervision. Julian thanked the guard sincerely.

And now, he was sitting at a desk, staring at the blank sheet of paper before him. It terrified him. The guard was keeping careful watch over him, and it made Julian nervous. There were no words, nothing that would completely express how he felt; his complex emotions were far beyond the English language at this point. So he wrote, writing mostly simple inquiries. And as he wrote, the latter became agonizing to write, and his writing more guarded. Nonetheless, his heart beat painfully with every stroke of his pen as he forced himself to continue to write.

Alexis,

It's been a lonely few days and maybe conditions aren't optimal here, but it's all I've got. I've had a lot of time to think, but I mostly think of my family. I miss Sam, Danny and Lucas very much. I pray that they're all doing okay, and I hope that they don't worry about me too much. I know that Sam and Lucas must wonder about why I have forbidden them from seeing me, but I would rather they not see their father trapped in a place like this… It would do more harm than good. If they know about our correspondence, or if you ever feel the need to, tell all three that I love them all very much.

Alexis, I don't know what to say to you. Maybe, I should just tell you to stop writing to me. What good would it do for either of us? I told you to get the hell out of my life… Maybe you should. There's no reason for you to trouble yourself with writing these letters; there's no reason for you to trouble yourself with me.

But, I hope you're doing well, and I hope you're happy.

Maybe you could do just one favor for me. Tell Danny a bedtime story for me—his favorite is "The Three Little Pigs". Give him a kiss on the cheek for me at night, and if he should ever ask for his grandpa, tell him I'm off to find the Big Bad Wolf.

Julian


	3. Chapter 3

iii

Alexis had read "The Three Little Pigs" to Danny night after night, never growing tired of it. And Danny, being as young as he was, didn't mind whatsoever. Every night when she read that story, she thought of Julian. Then afterwards she would think of his letter. Oh, his letter—his writing was well guarded, like a fortress protected by the strongest army which only selectively released what needed to be released.

But, was it really that he had kept up his guard up in the letter or was it something else? As a lawyer, she had analyzed that letter, picked it apart piece by piece. He could have written it, in fear that if he were to reveal his true feelings to her, that she would never send a letter to him again. But, she also feared that he may have written to her truthfully and that he didn't want her writing to him. The thought made her heart break even further. Yet, despite her fears, she wrote to him. Something had so thoroughly compelled her to write to him that she had begun to write things she wanted to say to him on a note pad when she couldn't sit down and write a letter to him in the middle of the day. Often times, she wrote and then scratched out the words "I love you", knowing that she could never write them to him, no matter how much she ached to. It is difficult to love a man who is a convict, even more difficult to love a man who is a murder, one who is a mobster. It was nearly impossible for her to not love him, though, for every other thing that is.

It wasn't the kind of love that she could easily let flow out of her; it came out in small, powerful bursts. It would drain her of her strength, but fill her with something beyond beautiful. And though she and Julian were not together, she felt her love for him now more than ever. Her body ached for him, her lips, her fingertips, her heart, they craved for him; she needed him. But, because they were not together, she could not allow herself to tell him how much she yearned for him. She couldn't allow herself to do so until he was out of prison and a changed man. Oh God, she prayed, let him come out a changed man.

Julian,

I find myself bored. Sonny's fired me, as you know, and I don't have much work to do nowadays. He doesn't come by my door, knocking like a maniac on my door in the middle of the night, to complain about some thing or another. I don't have to deal with his shady business anymore. I'm not fond of having nothing to do or lazing around the house. So, I might as well continue writing to you—no matter how much you say you don't want me to. If you don't want me to write, then why did you write back? If you don't want to keep this correspondence between us, then by all means, never write back to me again.

Sam and Lucas have told me that they are worried about you on multiple occasions. They so dearly want to see you, despite the fact that you refuse to let them. They won't give up so easily, I should have you know. They're your children—stubbornness is something that they've gotten from you. It's not that they fail to understand why you don't want them to see you; they simply refuse to come to terms with the fact that they won't see you for God knows how many years.

Danny asks for you at night. He says that he wants you to tuck him in, and read "The Three Little Pigs" to him instead of me reading to him. I'm sure that I don't do as great of a job telling the story to him as you do. Sometimes, he looks at the little bowling set that you had gotten for him, and says 'grandpa' every time. He wants to play with you, have you chase after him after he runs off with one of your things. He asked when you would come and visit. I had told him (as you had instructed) that "you were out trying to catch the Big Bad Wolf". He asked if he could come along.

There are many times that I think that it would be better for you to be out here, with your family, than in a prison cell. But then I remind myself that you are in a situation that you cannot change. Lucas, Danny and Sam had only known you for a year; they have come to love you so much. Now you've been ripped away from them, and you can't see them every day like you once could have. You've made sacrifices for your family once. Then, you sacrificed your family for the mob. Do you realize that you sacrificed yourself too because of it? And for what, Julian?

I should hold my tongue, or rather, white that out—but, I won't. I won't be writing to you pretending like everything has been a simple, fun ride. No, I'll write the truth and speak my mind whenever I choose to. And you, you can say whatever you will, stop writing if you wish. But, in the end, know that all you've said that you've wanted is out here while you're in there. I'll leave you with that to think of, and I dare you to write back.

Alexis


	4. Chapter 4

iv

The simple piece of paper before him was daunting. He was thankful that Alexis had written back to him, no matter how he had tried to dissuade her in his previous letter. He had harbored an enormous hope that she would write back to him, and had waited patiently for days (exactly two, but it felt like much longer to him) for the arrival of her next letter. But now that he had read through it, he wondered if keeping this correspondence was wise. Exchanging letters with Alexis would only make him love her more, and would make him want to pry out of his cell and escape out of prison. Already, he felt like he would burst if he didn't see Alexis, but knew that it wasn't the right time.

Alexis,

Don't be mistaken, I'm only writing back to keep you entertained. I don't want you dying because of boredom, all locked up in an apartment without Sonny's business to keep you preoccupied. I wrote back to you the first time, because it was the polite thing to do. But now I'm writing back because you're bored, and also I find myself bored too. There's not much in a prison cell that can keep me entertained or remotely distracted. So, I guess, this letter will give me something to do and keep you entertained. But, I still don't feel like it is the best for us to keep this up. I still implore you to stop writing these letters.

If my kids wish to speak with me, feel free to tell them about what you're doing to keep in touch and tell them to do the same. I give you permission to expose yourself, because no doubt you are keeping your letter writing a well-kept secret. Otherwise, they will have to fight harder if they want to see me, not that it will work. Like you, I have my beliefs. You protect your daughters the way you see fit, and now I will protect my children the way I see fit. Keeping them from seeing me in this damned prison uniform is part of that.

You have no idea how much I wish to see them all, my children and Danny. I love them so much; I truly do. Alexis, sometimes I think it would be better for me to be out of this place too. But, this is where men like me deserve to end up… I've gotten what I deserve. I got something I had never asked for—a family—and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever received in my entire life. Maybe I was asking for too much when I prayed that I could keep it all. Mobsters aren't meant for a family life, no matter how much they want it; in the end it will never work out.

I will not tell you that you're wrong when you say that I sacrificed myself to the mob. I had done it of my free will. I was once a lost man, looking for some place that I could find myself in. I had found a place in the mob, though in retrospect in wasn't the greatest decision I had made in my life. And then, then I found you… I found you and Sam and Danny and Lucas. But I went back into the mob, though I had left it, because I was terrified of so many things. But for once, I wasn't scarred for myself. All of my fears considered the people that I grew to love so very much. Maybe I didn't make the wisest decisions, and perhaps I sacrificed myself to a fruitless cause, but I did it for all of the right reasons. But, I don't think I can justify myself to you; I've done you wrong and I cannot change that. I can apologize to you, beg you for your forgiveness; but, you will always remember all of my wrong-doings and short-comings. Perhaps it's for the best that you never forgive me for betraying your trust.

I don't know what else to say to you, Alexis. I can't find any words that I could possibly use to express myself correctly. If I keep writing to you, this will only uselessly drag on. The longer we keep this up, the more it will cause trouble for the both of us. Don't write back; I'm begging you.

Julian

He had carefully scratched out the, "But, I still love you" he had written at the end of the letter. He couldn't let her read those words; it hurt him too much to think that she would cry reading them.


	5. Chapter 5

v

Julian,

Stop telling me to stop sending these letters. You should know how stubborn I am by now. I enjoy writing letters to you and reading your letters too much to stop this. So this is the last time that we will ever speak of stopping our correspondence.

I find myself at a loss of what to say to you, too. There are so many words that I wish I could write to you, but I'm a coward. It's like you're standing on the sea shore, the tide pushing and pulling at your feet, but you're too scared to go into the water—and though you can swim, you're afraid that you won't swim well enough; that you'll end up drowning if you step into those vast, untamed waters.

I want to talk about us, but know it isn't wise. We've said our goodbyes, but all I want to say is hello. But, you're in prison for the murder of Anthony Zacchara, so now isn't the time for hellos. Every night I dream of you somehow getting out of prison, that you might have been wrongly accused of this murder or that your confession was forced. I can't fathom that you have committed this crime, but at the same time I can (though limitedly). It seems so strange to me; you've killed before, and don't doubt that you could have killed Anthony, but in my mind and my heart I feel like you didn't. And after speaking with Commisioner Devane, she's left me with enough hints to know that you confessed on your own willingly, right after Johnny was out and the PCPD was on a manhunt for the real perpetrator. That is beyond uncharacteristic of you.

Maybe, I only feel this way because I want to see you. I miss the way that you hold me at night, your strong arms wrapped around me. I had always had trouble sleeping before you came. The nights we slept together, those were the best nights of sleep that I had ever had. And now that you're gone, I'm sleepless. I don't need to dream to see the image of your face in my mind or hear your voice speak beautiful words to me. You haunt me perfectly well when I'm awake. I look at Sam's apartment and see Danny playing, and in my head I see you there with him, playing with your grandson. I can hear you laugh and see you chasing after him, and I wish that it could all be real. I drift into fantasies of you all too often. Maybe they should lock me up in a mental institution; I'm sick with the thought of you.

Day and night, I feel a relentless flame burn within me. I crave you so desperately. If I think hard enough, sometimes I can feel your butterfly kisses on my body, or feel your hot breath against my neck. But, it isn't enough. There is nothing in this world that can replace the feelings that you make me feel. I've tried hard to distract myself from how I feel; I've foolishly attempted to move on from something that I never can. I'm admitting now that I've failed pitifully at all of that. I just need you.

I find it so ironic that now that I've come to my senses that you're in prison. I think that that's what we both deserve for being stubborn idiots. Instead of working through our problems, we opted to fight and hurt each other instead. I'm at fault as much as you are in many ways, and if I had gotten off my high horse sooner, I would have saved us both from so much pain. But at the same time, if you had stopped being the arrogant jackass that you can be (mind you, you are the arrogant jackass that I fell in love with), maybe I would have come around easier. But those are what-ifs, and right now I just want to focus on a future that we may be able to share one day.

I've analyzed each and every word in every single one of your letters, and I know what you're really saying. You've build a strong fortress to protect yourself, but not one that's too strong for me to get through. I know that you are unhappy in prison, and that you want to see your family and me. You are trying to protect us, and perhaps even yourself from God knows what through being locked up behind bars. Stop being a self-sacrificial martyr, and let me help you. I want what's best for you, for us, for our family.

So, I guess, now's the time for me to swim out in to that vast ocean. I'll risk drowning, but maybe I'll find that I can float instead of sink. I want to be with you, and if you feel that same tell me. If there are secrets that you're hiding from me, I want to hear them from you. The fact that you're in prison for the murder of Anthony Zacchara seems like utter bullshit to me; pardon my language. If you are in prison for a crime that you didn't commit, then I will drag you out of there myself. Just tell me, Julian. Tell me that you're a man innocent of this crime, and I'll get you out. Tell me that you still love me, and we will work on our relationship together.

I've tried to ignore my feelings and thoughts for too long, but no more.

I love you, Julian.

Yours forevermore,

Alexis


	6. Chapter 6

vi

Julian is reading that latest letter that Alexis had sent him, and as he does, a tear cascades down his check and falls onto the prison cell floor. The tear carries the heavy weight of his burdened heart. He had never imagined that Alexis would be so open with him like this while he was in prison. His heart pounds in his chest and blood rushes through him with great force. He is in disbelief; it has to be a dream. It is too simple of a confession and far too good to be true.

Nevertheless, he calls the guard immediately. There are so many words he wants to say, and though his mind is a jumble of powerful thoughts and emotions at the moment, he wants to say them all. He figures that if Alexis could be so open with him that he should let spill his heart out to her too—in a way he knew that only Alexis would understand.

Alexis,

I love you, and I wish I could say these words to your face. But, as you know, under present circumstances I can't. It had been a goal of mine to mislead you, to convince you that I am no longer in love with you—but, you saw through me, and for that, I am glad. I love you more than words can express. I wish that I could hold you in my arms, in the middle of the night, after we make love until we collapse from exhaustion. I wish that I could see your smile, and those gorgeous cheeks of yours dotted with your perfect dimples, and hear your beautiful laugh. There are so many things I want Alexis, but it can't be.

I ask you now to let no one know the information that I'm disclosing to you. I should be more reluctant to tell you this information in that case, but at the same time I feel obligated to tell you at least something. I don't want to keep secrets between us anymore, but because of my fear for your safety, I must.

Though I miss you and my family, there is nothing that I am willing to do to be released from

prison. You are correct in assuming that I am innocent, but I am guilty of so many other crimes. One way or another, I would have been locked up in here eventually. I had never imagined letting myself so easily become a prisoner, but it has to be this way. I can't tell you why, for I'm in fear that it will put you in danger. I know that you have theories about why I'm locked up, and I know how intelligent you are. Perhaps one of those theories is correct.

My confession was not coerced, but it was done under great urgency and with little planning. It was the last decision that Anna Devane had made as Police Commissioner, to have me sent to court and hopefully locked up immediately. It was a wise decision, and if you have issue with it feel free to talk to her more about it.

I'm paying the price for my stupidity in this damned place, but at the same time it has kept me safe from my boss whilst keeping those who I love safe from him as well. As long as I am not out there disobeying him, he cannot become angered with me. He does not see me as a threat while I'm in here. So, there are benefits to being a convict.

Maybe I'm a coward for hiding from that life in this way, but I'm a coward with priorities.

I am not much of a martyr, considering that I've sacrificed myself at the expense of others. I know, I know—semantics. In the end, there will be nothing that you can do to change my mind about this, Alexis. The problem is we're both equally as stubborn.

You've told me once that I make decisions without forethought, and run into situations head-first without looking back. In many ways this is true, and I apologize for the stress that it's caused you. I can imagine you now, scolding me for being so rash, moving your arms passionately with each word. I imagine you would yell at me, tell me of all my shortcomings, but eventually you would move passed them. So, can you move passed this one decision of mine too?

We both want the same thing—what's best for us and our family. Maybe we need time to think us through (is it really wise for us to be together?), and perhaps I need to be behind bars to keep everyone safe. This is what I believe is best. It's not that I don't want you help (I've dreamed of it many times) it's that I refuse it. You're not the type of woman to give up on a cause you deem to be worthy, but I'm asking you to give up on this anyway. It'll turn you into a corpse if you don't.

I'm asking you now to never send me a letter again; letter writing is a dangerous pursuit, and God knows who else may end up privy to our exchange.

Despite this, I want you to know that I will love you more and more every day, and fall asleep whispering your name every night. I'll dream of your body crashing against mine perfectly, like the waves against the shore, until I go mad with lust. I'll miss you to no end, and may even think of escaping this cage sometimes because of it. You told me to tell you if I still want to be with you; you know the answer for that. But, if I must say it to you for you to believe it, I would rather say it too your face than write it in this letter. You know that at this moment that that is impossible. In the end, I must stay in here and you must let it be that way.

Julian

PS: If you want be of assistance, Ava is seeking a lawyer who can assist her with the issue of custody of her daughter, Avery. It's a good place to start, and it may scratch that itch you've been having.


	7. Chapter 7

vii

Alexis marches into Pentonville carrying her briefcase. She is more than ready to confront Julian, even if it has to be by force. He told her that he was an innocent man in regards to the murder of Anthony Zacchara; she couldn't let him rot in jail. Moreover, he had professed his love for her, and told her that he wanted to be with her. Though the words had come in an odd packaging, those words couldn't be forgotten by her so easily.

She finds the guard that had been delivering her letters to Julian and spoke to him. "I need to speak with my client."

"I would like to think by now that he's quite a bit more than you're client, Ms. Davis."

"Semantics."

The guard laughed, "Well, alright. I'll get your 'client'. Wait in interrogation room three."

"Thank you."

_  
>"Jerome, it's time to get out of your cell." The guard unlocks his cell as Julian sits up from his bed and stares at the guard bewilderedly.<p>

"Did I do something wrong?"

"I've been ordered to escort you to interrogation room three."

Julian automatically knows that Alexis came to visit him, despite him explicitly telling her to leave him alone. Though, he is elated by the fact that she was here, waiting to see him. He wonders if her eyes still have the same sparkle in them as they had just a month ago, and he smiles when he pictures her beautiful face in his mind.  
>He didn't notice that he had already arrived at the interrogation room, because he was so lost in his fantasies of Alexis. He pictures making love to her in the interrogation room, on top of a table or a chair (it doesn't matter to him), as they make up for several months of lost time. He's ripped from his fantasies when the guard opens the door and he hears Alexis call out his name. His head snaps up and his breath gets taken away by the visage of Alexis. Her eyes are watery, but a large smile is spread across her face.<p>

"I'll leave you two alone," the guard says as he removes that handcuffs from Julian, knowing that he could trust Julian to be without them.

Julian takes a few steps towards Alexis, and the door closes behind them. She runs up to him, wrapping her arms around him and immediately his prison uniform is stained by her tears. "I've missed you so much," she chokes out, a whirlwind of emotions taking her by storm.

"I've missed you too." He wraps one arm around her and he buries the other in her hair and in inhales the sweet, gardenia scent of her. They separate for a moment; their arms are tangled in each other, and they stare into each other's eyes. Time stops as they go in for the kiss.

Alexis snaps her head up as she hears Ava calling her name. She had allowed herself to fall into a little daydream that shattered her heart. "Oh, I'm so sorry. What were we talking about?"

Ava sees the poignant look and Alexis' eyes and smirks. "It doesn't matter. You're still hung up over my brother, aren't you?"

Alexis ignores Ava's question. "I think we were talking about Avery, yes? I understand that you want to see her, but you can't because of your sentence. I'm not sure there's much I can do, but perhaps if you tell me about what happened on the night of AJ's murder, I might be able to work my magic."

"You're that in love with him, huh?"

"He won't let him see me; so can you please drop it?" Alexis paused, looking down at her papers. "Of course, in the event that I can't make a case strong enough in your favor, you will have to talk to Kiki about whether or not you really want her to raise your child."

"He must really love you too then, if he won't let you see him all dressed up in a prison uniform, rotting behind bars."

"Ava!" she shouts, "Did you want me to come here to talk about your sentence or are you just going to continue pestering me about your brother?"

Ava laughs, "Maybe a little bit of both."

Alexis rolls her eyes, "When you're ready to talk about your case, have someone call me."

"You know, maybe you should try and visit Julian—force him to let you visit him. If he knows that you're waiting for him, eventually his will-power will snap and he'll come running to you."

"Goodbye, Ava."

"Tell my brother I said 'hello'!"

Alexis takes out a note pad out from her brief case and quickly writes a letter to Julian.

Julian,

I'm here, and I want to see you. I'll wait for you to come to me for however long it takes. I'll have Sam bring me clothing and food if she has to. You know that I'm stubborn. Do you really want to find out exactly how stubborn I am? Maybe I'm mentally insane, but I'll wait for you for a thousand years if I have to.

I have my phone with me; you let me see you and I'll call Ned and break it off with him instantly. I want you, Julian. I've always wanted only you.

You should have known better than to tell me you love me and that you want to be with me, if you truly didn't want to see me. I'll be waiting.

I love you.

Yours truly,

Alexis


	8. Chapter 8

viii

Julian is angry; more with himself than with the letter he had folded up and thrown on the floor. He should have known better than to wave a red flag in front of Alexis. Why couldn't he have resisted telling her how much he loved her? He knows the answer to that of course—it is because he loves her far too much to not tell her. Now, he has to suffer, to force himself to stay in his prison cell. It is for the better, he tells himself; but, he knows it's only a lie.

Soon, the thought of Alexis so near to him nibbles at him, slowly eating away his patience. He jumps up from his bed and frantically asks the guard for some paper and a pen; the guard allows it, but this time he lets Julian stay in his cell to write. He liberally thanks the guard before plopping himself on the ground to write to her.

Alexis,

Have you considered that you need to be institutionalized? There is no maybe about it—you are indeed insane. How could you go on loving a man who has blown up your house, caused your youngest daughter emotional distress, who has lied to you countless times? If pure love is the force that is making you wait for me, the force that is making you hold on to me, then forget that love. Immerse yourself in something or another, find an ample distraction—I implore you to find something that will make you forget your love for me.

Maybe the answer is Ted?

Julian

Alexis bites her lip as she reads his response. He's playing hard to get, but she is more than willing to play the cat in this game of cat and mouse. She immediately calls Sam, knowing that the wait for Julian will be protracted, but well worth it.

"Sam, I need you to bring an overnight back over to Pentonville for me."

Sam burst out into a fit of laughter.

"I'm being serious, Samantha."

"Mom, you're scaring me."

"Will you please just do it? Oh, and bring some food. I'm starving."

"Why are you in Pentonville anyways? Dad had made it pretty clear to us that he doesn't want to see anyone."

"I'm going to make him see me. I know he wants to; he's just being stubborn. If I wait long enough, he'll crawl out of his cage eventually."

Alexis hears Danny crying over the phone, "I have to try and get Danny to calm down, but I'll have Lucas bring over some stuff. Good luck mom. I know Julian can be as stubborn as you, if not more."

"I can't begin to thank you enough. Take care, honey." Alexis hangs up. With that taken care of, she prepares herself for writing an onslaught of letters to Julian.

Julian,

I won't go to a mental hospital unless you're the one who will take me there. So I guess, either way—I'll have to see you.

Distract myself, you say? Let me think of the ways… Oh, I know! How about I think of all the times we have made love? Let me list a few for you:

The first night, after Nicholas' disaster of an engagement party, we went back to my home. After fervently kissing you, our tongues mingling deliciously, I pushed you away, terrified of what consequences might come with falling in love with yet another mobster. You were about to leave, telling me that you would no longer give me any chances, and that is what made me break. I pinned you against the door, and in the seconds we weren't kissing, it had felt like we had been apart for an eternity to me. We barely made it to my bedroom, and of course, we couldn't make it to my bed. You broke my back so deliciously, and sent me into a euphoria unlike any I had ever experienced.

Then came the night in May, where we poured our hearts out to each other as we made love in my bed. I remember how you laid me down on it ever so gently, and even then I was quivering beneath your touch. I can recall getting lost in you, your musky scent, and the taste of bourbon on your sweet lips… Oh, how I wish I could taste them now.

And I can't forget to mention that day in September when I came crawling back to you, no longer able to deny how much I love you. We made love in all corners of your penthouse before we had made it to the bed, and each time was better than the last. I felt both numb and aflame with emotions because of you; that beautiful mixture of contradicting feelings that you make me feel. Strong and weak, enraged and docile, dejected and elated—all at once. I want to feel that way again.

You are my answer, Julian. There is no way to forget you or the love you have filled me with.

Yours until the very end,

Alexis

Alexis,

Woman, you're doing crazy things to me. Be gone before you make me go mad. If your goal was to have me hot and uncomfortable, writhing in my cell, you've accomplished it. Are you happy with yourself? Don't you feel a single ounce of pity for this man who's had slept through so many lonely nights for months?

But, don't be mistaken. There isn't anything in this world that will convince me to allow you permission to visit me. It'll break our hearts more. We could make up now, but in due time I'll disappoint you and we'll split later. What's the point in riding this rollercoaster, if all it will lead to is heartbreak? I can't bear the thought of hurting you any more than I already have. Leave while you have some shred of your heart still left. Otherwise, I'll have to claim all of it as my own.

You say I'm your answer. But, am I the right answer?

Your Answer,

Julian

Lucas brought a duffle bag to Alexis and handed her a paper bag from Kelly's. "Sam called me and I got as here as fast as I could. Any progress on my dad yet?"

"He'll break sooner or later. I'm hoping that it's sooner rather than later, though, or I may end up having to use one of the prison showers."

Lucas laughed. "You know, as crazy as what you two are doing is, I'm glad to see that you two are finding some sort of way to tell each other how you truly feel."

"I'm glad that you feel that way, Lucas."

"I'll leave you to my dad. Good luck."

"Thank you."

Lucas walks off as the guard comes to deliver the letter to Alexis. "You know, Ms. Davis, most guards wouldn't do this type of thing for an inmate."

"Then why are you doing this for us?" Alexis folds her arms over her chest and eyes him carefully.

"Honestly, I don't know, but I know that I'll keep on helping you out until Mr. Jerome decides to see you."

"I know I've thanked you a thousand times already, but I have to thank you at least once more. I don't know what I would have done if there wasn't someone willing to help me out."

"It's really no problem." The guard hands her the letter and waits patiently for her to write the next one to Julian. She eats her sandwich as she writes.

Julian,

Let me rephrase: You are my answer. My only answer. The right answer.

You are that missing puzzle-piece I have searched my entire life for. You complete me; you make me feel whole.

What reason do I have to continue something that may lead us to heartbreak? I love you so much that being with you is worth the agony and pain it may cause me. I will experience heartbreak in my life whether or not it is caused by you, and still, I would rather it be caused by you than any other man.

I love you.

Don't forget it.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Alexis

She ruffles through her bag and finds that Sam had placed her gardenia scented perfume in there as she had expected. She lightly sprays the letter with it, hoping that it will send Julian over the edge and have him running to her.

The letter is placed into his hands and he immediately notices that the letter smells of her. He puts the paper to his nose, and inhales the scent of it. His eyes close for a brief moment as he drifts into a fantasy of her. Then he reads, his eyes frantically scanning the paper. Every word touches him, and in that instant he knows that he must see her.

Alexis,

I love you too.

Waiting for you,

Julian

P.S. Interrogation Room Two.


	9. Chapter 9

ix

Alexis steps into Interrogation Room Two, and immediately her breath hitches at the sight of Julian. Finally near to him, she feels like her heart is slowly piecing itself back together. She looks at the prison guard next to Julian and nods to him—her way of saying that it's safe to leave the two of them alone. The guard frees Julian of his handcuffs and silently exits, leaving the two alone.

They look at each other, unsure of what to say or do. Alexis takes out her notepad and a pen, smirking at him all the while. She sits down at the metal table in front of them and motions for him to sit as well. He is intrigued by this display and sits as she had asked him to. He licks his lips as she writes, already feeling a dangerous flame ablaze within him. She tucks her hair behind her ear and bites her lip as she thinks of what to write to him.

Julian,

Who speaks first, love?

Alexis

She slides the paper toward him, and he reads it, smiling to himself. She anxiously watches him as he writes back to her. She has her hands folded beneath her chin as she ponders about what is going through his mind. Does he feel the same joy she is feeling just because she is in the same room as he? Her body tingles from her close proximity to him. He slides his foot up and down her calf as he returns the notepad to her. He's driving her to insanity, but she loves it.

Alexis,

What good will words do us, darling?

Julian

Julian,

Then tell me what you're thinking without using a single word.

Show me that you love me another way.

Alexis

He stands up and throws his chair aside. A crash resounds through the room that excites Alexis. He walks to her slowly, and finally when he's inches away from her, she stands up. His lips ascend upon hers immediately, and their bodies are as close together as humanly possible. He picks her up and sets her down on the table swiftly. Her legs are wrapped around her waist and as she attempts to feel nearer to him. She removes her suit coat and throws it to the side. He nibbles on her lips as she pulls away from him, gasping for air.

Her hands are latched onto his prison uniform and she looks up, starring deeply into his eyes. "I want you, Julian," she husks out.

"Not here, Alexis. I won't make love to you in an interrogation room." The sound of his voice makes her realize how much she missed him.

"You'll be a free man soon, Julian."

His thumb slides over her lips, "Oh darling, I wish it could be that way."

Tears immediately slide down her cheeks at his words and her hands beat his chest. He allows her to do so, knowing that he deserves it. "Stop being such an idiot!" she chokes out, "Let me help you. I feel like I'll die if you're not out there with me, with our family."

"I can't. My boss ordered a hit on me, Alexis. If I go out there, I could die within hours, maybe even minutes."

He has confirmed her greatest fear, and he knows all too well that he has only broken her heart with those words. He walks away from her and she stands up from the table. He reaches for the door handle, but Alexis wraps her arms around him and buries her head in his shoulder. "We'll go into hiding: You, Molly, Sam, Lucas, Danny and I. I'll get us twenty four hour protection. We'll move to Europe with you and we'll change our names. We'll learn French or Italian, or God knows what. I don't care what I have to do. I need to be with you. I'm willing to work on our relationship, to work past our lies and broken promises; I'll do whatever it takes to be with you, Julian." She knows the consequences that may come with all of this, but the benefits far outweighed them all.

He turns around and takes her hand into his; he kisses it. "Oh, how could I have let you fall in love with me like this?" He kisses her forehead. "Why did I have to fall so hard for you?" He places his lips on top of hers, and she kisses him back with reckless abandon.

"Whatever it takes," she mutters against his lips.

He breaks the kiss, but his hands are cupping her face. "You'll be my attorney?"

"And so much more, if you'll let me."

"Oh, I want you to be so much more to me, Alexis. So much more."

She puts one hand on top of his, "Give me three days; you'll be out of here, and we'll live the rest of our lives together."

He nods into their next kiss, and for that moment, he believes that they can actually pull this all off. He believes that there is something such as happiness—and wherever happiness was; it had to be with Alexis. He had never quite managed to find it anywhere else.

-  
>AN: Thanks for reading! So what did you think?


	10. Chapter 10

x

The judge sitting before them, perched upon something which sees ever so like a tyrannous throne, is utterly intimidating. Her face is pinched up in a ghastly scowl, and her eyes are beady like that of a birdy of prey. There are others in the courtroom. Luas was sitting next to Sam and Danny, all of them in hope that Julian would be a free man soon. Danny in particular was overjoyed to see his "grampa", even though they weren't playing together.

Julian glances at Alexis nervously, unsure of whether or not she can convince the judge to exonerate him. While he does have an alibi, his track record is shady, and the judge seems unforgiving. Not to mention, he and Alexis had a romantic history and he was unsure of how the judge would handle that, if she were to stumble upon that bit of information.

Alexis walks up to him professionally, a small smile upon her face. "You don't need to worry. I've worked my magic on a thousand cases by now. Hell, I've even gotten myself out of a pretty big predicament once…okay, maybe twice." Julian raises and inquisitive eyebrow. She wants to slap him playfully, but stops herself in order to maintain a professional façade. "Those are stories for another day. What I want to say is that I've been an attorney to clients with more difficult situations than yours. You'll be a free man soon, I promise."

"Legally free, at least."

"The mob will be the next step."

Julian scoffs. "If I manage to make it out alive."

"We will not quarrel about that now."

"Come on, if we quarrel now, we'll have hot make-up sex later."

"Are you purposely trying to impair my intellectual abilities?"

"I'll blow your mind soon. I swear." He wants to slap her ass, but refrains.

"At least deep down you know that you're going to be exonerated…" She walks off to speak with the judge before the court session begins.

Julian watches her closely, and in that moment he realizes that there is nothing that could ever rip his love for Alexis away from him. He felt like it would never change, that this love that was so fiery and passionate would never fade away. She is doing so much for him, sacrificing her better judgment and taking the leap to be with the man she loves. He feels underserving of such a woman, and at that moment he vows to be freed from the shackles of the mob.

Alexis had spoken in his defense, and now the two are patiently waiting for the judge to return with her decision. Underneath the table, Alexis rests her hand over Julian's.

"Alexis, whatever happens, I just want you to know that I love you."

"You say that like you feel like the judge's decision—"

"Don't finish that statement. Just let me tell you that I love you."

She smiles at him and there are dimples dotting her cheeks. Her eyes have a glimmer of hope in them that fill Julian's heart. "I love you too."

The judge returns, she grips his hand lightly. Their hearts are beating a mile a minute, though she is fully confident that Julian will be exonerated.

"After carefully reviewing the information I have been given," the judge begins, "I've made my decision."

"However, I have been informed that Ms. Davis had been in a romantic relationship with Mr. Jerome, and I have reason to believe that they've recently reconciled their differences and rekindled their relationship."

Julian's hand drops to the floor, and he feels his heart pang with pain. Alexis manages to maintain a poker face, though she can feel her heart breaking.

"If the evidence against Mr. Jerome's involvement in Anthony Zacchara's death wasn't so compelling, I would have to rule this case as defunct." The judge leans forward, "Julian Jerome, you are a free man starting today." She hits the gavel with her hammer, "Court is adjourned."

Alexis pulls Julian into a warm embrace, tears in her eyes. "I told you so," she whispers in his ear. Out of the corner of his eye, Julian sees a figure moving toward them. The image becomes clearer and Fluke is standing before them with a gun in hand. Fear envelops him in that instant.

"Alexis!" he yelps and pushes her away from him. A crack resounds through the room. It's a hollow echo that destroys the bubble of happiness Alexis had surrounded herself with. She falls from her chair and she watches as Julian collapses, clutching his chest. His hands become stained by crimson blood. A frenzy of thoughts rushes through her head and her heart pounds. She crawls to him, bitter tears now streaming down her cheeks. The police officer in the courtroom rushes past them and runs towards Fluke, tackling him. But, Alexis doesn't notice; in that moment the only two people in the room were her and Julian, and that moment was such a melancholy moment for them. He had just been declared a free man, and now, he was struggling to stay alive.

"Honey, don't close your eyes. You need to stay conscious."

Lucas runs over to them, and Sam rushes a crying Danny outside of the courtroom. "Pops, you've got to hold on."

Julian chokes out blood, and Alexis grabs a hold of his hand. Lucas takes off his tie and props Julian up. He takes out the handkerchief in his coat pocket and lays it on top of the bullet wound. "Alexis, keep talking to him, it'll keeping him awake till the paramedics show up." He holds the handkerchief in place as he props Julian up and ties the tie around his chest tightly to put pressure onto the wound.

"Remember when I told you that we'd run off to Europe? We'd change our names and learn a different language. We'd live in a little town by the sea and live happily." She puts his hand on her face when she sees him smile weekly. "I never imagined getting married ever again, not after my last divorce. But with you, I want the whole package and more. I need you alive for that. I need you alive so that you can propose to me one day."

"Lucas, I love you. Tell Sam and Danny that I love them too," Julian croaks.

"You'll tell them yourself soon, pops."

"Sweetheart," Julian turns to Alexis. His eyes are losing their lively sparkle with every passing moment. "Kiss me," he demands.

"This won't be the last time we kiss," she whispers as she leans into him, tears pitter-pattering onto his cheeks as she waits a moment, her face hovering over his. "I love you." Her lips claim his, and the kiss rattles her bones. She feels as if her heart is being twisted in the most utterly beautiful agony. There is a fire burning deep within her, but it isn't one that she can easily extinguish. Her love for him burns eternally within her. Her lips part from his, and she feels the bitter cold air take the place of his beautiful lips.

"I love you," he whispers faintly as his eyes close. His head drops backwards onto Lucas' lap. Beneath Julian is a pool of blood and that very same blood is staining Alexis' fingers.

She clutches his shirt in her hands, and collapses on top of him; feeling like her reason to live had been brutally torn away from her. "You'll wake up soon," she mumbles again, "And in a few weeks you'll be able to break my back again. I'll wake up to you next to me in bed every day, and for dinner every day you'll make dinner for us instead of me having to order out." She's violently sobbing into his chest now, his blood seeping through the make-shift tourniquet and covering her face. "When you wake up, we'll get married. I'll even change my last name to Jerome for you. Alexis Jerome-Davis." She kisses his cold lips. "Wake up!" she screams as the paramedics rush in and pull her off of Julian.

She kicks and screams, but soon her own world turns black. Everything before her eyes disappears as a paramedic inserts a needle into her and gives her a sedative. "Julian," she breathes his name brokenly as she the last thing she sees is the paramedics placing Julian onto a gurney.

"How's his pulse?" a paramedic asks.

"Nearly nonexistent."


End file.
